I got overwhelmed and anxious about life, about work and receded into myself becoming a person I didn't even recognize. I barely had the energy to make time to do all the things I loved. I was moody and mean to people around me and worst of all I basically just gave up on myself. What made this all happen you may be asking? It wasn't one big traumatic thing that sent me sinking into this dark hole. In fact it all started because I was feeling better than I had ever felt in my life.
Being a mom brought so much joy to my life and seeming my daughter day to day was the most amazing feeling in the world. Looking back I think I was in a bit of euphoria. In my case that, surprisingly, caused me to not see things clearly. I thought I was so happy I would just stop taking my medication.
A bit of back story on myself; I have suffered from depression for most of my life and have taken medication for probably a good 5 years. I took it all through my pregnancy with no problems. I know there are many different opinions on what exactly depression is and I will agree there are many different kinds of depression. I, in fact, have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my emotions to be completely out of whack. It causes me to feel anxious, to get angry at the littlest things. I don't have patience for things that occur in everyday life. If I don't take my medication I can feel a real difference within a couple of days, and people around me can tell a difference as well. With all this proven to me I still get frustrated that I have to take a pill to feel normal and that I probably will have to take medication for the rest of my life to be a productive person in the world.
Back to my story, I went to refill my prescription one day and it was the time where I had to make another doctor appointment. I thought this was as good a time as any to try and not take my medication since I was feeling so great. I continued to feel pretty amazing and I absolutely loved being a mom, however work started getting to be a bit overwhelming. I blamed work for all of my unhappiness. No schedule I worked made me happy, no amount of work (or no work) would make me feel less stressed. Things that I could handle in past were so overwhelming that I was in a panic everyday when I had to go to work. I got to the point where I had crying fits at work and even talked to my boss about seriously stepping down from my management position. I thought that the job was just too demanding and it was the cause of all my emotional turmoil.
It all came crashing down on Christmas day. I was scheduled to work both Christmas day and Christmas eve, which I wasn't happy about but had worked it out so I was still able to see all my family and do all of our celebrating. As I drove to work I started crying and I couldn't stop myself. I got to work and did my best to get myself together, I bought myself something to eat quickly and I hid in the office until, I thought I had composed myself. I attempted to go find my manager to let her know she was able to leave but as soon as I saw her I started balling uncontrollably again. She immediately told me to leave because I obviously wasn't able to work. I was hesitant because I knew if I left it would mean her Christmas would be ruined and she would have to stay. She finally said what she had been wanting to say to me for a while, she said I needed to talk to a doctor.
Reading this you might think I can easily talk about my depression but I never had told her about it. I never wanted this to get in the way of my career. It's funny cause they give you these personality type assessment tests when you get into management and it asks questions on a scale from 1-5 asking if you ever get sad or anxious and I always think about to that when I think about my job. I fear that if my depression as a known thing about me it would hold me back. Yes, I realize that is a crazy thing to think but that test always peaks up in my brain.
So I went home Christmas day and I vowed that I would make a doctor appointment to get my medication again and I would start taking the time to fix me! I decided I wouldn't step down. I decided I have to lose all the weight I gained in my depression. I decided that just because I have depression doesn't mean I am going to let it hold me back anymore.
I had my doctor appointment on January 2nd and I am officially back on track with my life and I am feeling good about it. My doctor also helped my understand and cope with the fact that I have to take a pill everyday to feel better. She said that it's like a diabetic. They have to take insulin everyday to keep their body chemicals in check, I just have to do it in pill form. Honestly that truly has made me look at things 100x differently and I am ready to take on this life and all it has to give to me!
This is something I saw on Facebook the other day. It is "What if we treated physical diseases like we treat mental illness"
Well I think you are very brave for posting this and talking about it because depression is something that so many people struggle with but are ashamed to talk about. As someone who also has super high anxiety and has taken meds for it on and off, I can relate. You taking care of yourself is a wonderful gift to give Sloane.
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