Monday, February 23, 2009

i don't fit in a box

For my whole life i have been searching for an identity. A key factor in myself to tell me who i am. I was once a tom boy. i hated pink and i wanted so much to be like my brother and be one of the boys. I would hang out with my brother and his friends and we thought we were in a gang... the gang of crossroads mall... bad ass right. Then i become a bit older and i thought i could play sports. i played soft ball and soccer for 2 yrs yet i never really loved playing and i always hated sweating and running. Then i thought maybe i could be artistic. I took pottery classes and stained glass classes and wore "Unique" clothes because i wanted to be an individual. my main focus was to be an individual. i never wanted to be one of the "preppy" kids in school. I didn't quite fit in with the G's in school because i could never be quite bad ass enough. The goths/drama/band kids always just seemed embarrassing and odd. I hung out with a big group of Asians at lunch two yrs of Jr high but never hung out with them outside of school and never really could hold a conversation with them. I've taken yearbook for half a year and was on the newspaper 3/4Th's a school yr till i moved to Kirkland. Once i got even older i became wilder. I was willing to do anything for a good time (don't get me wrong i never did anything bad.. never even drank till i was 19 or 20) But i was the fun one. I was the one with the car who was willing to drive two hrs in the rain to a community collage that a co-worker had said had cowboys attending there. (remember that Debbie?) Once i graduated high school and got my first kiss (yeah it took me till after i graduated sad i know!) i found a new love of attention. I became a girl how dated. i went out with just a few guys and kinda enjoyed flirting with a few of the guys that i worked with. i loved to go out dancing... seeing how many different crazy guys i could get to rub up against me! But even dating wasn't my favorite thing in the world. It always seemed so fake, so uncomfortable. It also seemed like all the guys ever wanted was one thing SEX! I was good at turning them down but still it frustrated me. would this be how it is forever?
Then Mat and i started hanging out and pretty much my whole world changed. The need to find an identify suddenly disappeared. I was comfortable with myself around him. He never seemed to judge me, never expected anything in particular from me. We were just together, getting to know one another. I feel like i have found the life i was meant to lead. For me it was never finding what career i wanted from my life, there was never anything that really interested me. For me life is about finding someone to be yourself around. Mat and i have built such an ideal life together and everyday i am so thankful for everything i have and i would trade a single thing! So i will work at Safeway and not return to collage any time soon. We will one day get married and have children and i will be happier then i could even imagine.
I am a girl who loves to get dressed up and go out but every other day dresses in jeans and a plain shirt with a hoodie. I never can quite put an outfit together. i love to do face masks and take bubble baths but keeping my nails painted is just too much work. i wear makeup simply because my face looks less red and if i could avoid it i would and most days i do. i love to be out doors going camping and short hikes are fun! i love to travel and see shows. i love eating and am just beginning to branch out and try new things. i love to be at home cleaning and making dinner. i love the way my house feels at the end of a day of cleaning. i love to lay on my freshly vacuumed carpet. i would love to wear sweats and tank tops all the time. i hate going into gas stations because i don't like talking to the clerk. I, in general, don't like meeting new people unless for work because I tend to never know what to say so everyone thinks I'm quite. i like watching movies that make me all warm and fuzzy but i have to be careful because some movies are a trick and they will make me depressed for a half hr afterwards ("He's just not that into you" is an example.) half of my favorite movies are horror movies and there is nothing i love me then a horror movie marathon with a bowl full of popcorn and a pile of candy.
I am me... and i am (for the most part) happy with who i am.

But don't get me wrong i do get insecure! what girl doesn't!

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