Wednesday, January 21, 2009

i could never be a doctor!

I could never be a doctor, or a nurse, because i feel the need to solve everyone's problems. i, for some reason, feel like i know what is best for everyone and if i could just make them see then they would have the best life ever! i have done this my whole life. I remember going to visit my real dads side of the family when i was younger for the first and only time. i remember they lived in a small town where you could walk the length of the street in ten minutes. they were all tom boys and for some reason coming from a bigger "city" i felt that i held the light to the ideal world. i remember telling them how they should dress and what they should be interested in. i remember saying i would send them a box full of cute clothes and stuff for them. I think back on that now and worry that they thought i was a total bitch. such a know it all! i never did send them the package and i haven't really kept in touch with that side of the family at all.
Another example is my mom. My mom is a server alcoholic. as a kid i would take care of her, worry that she would stop breathing when she would pass out, cover her with a blanket each night. With all of this alcoholism i still felt like i was the one who would fix her. i would talk to her everyday cry about it to her i would make comments every time she would leave the house to buy beer thinking that i was helping her that if only i could make her see how much better her life would be when she stopped drinking that she would just stop!
I just got into a fight with one of my closest friends because of the same problem. I see what a wonderful life she could have. She is such a wonderful person but she is afraid to do things that hold her back. for the longest time i would point out these things she did in hopes to make her see what a better life she would have if she just changed... did something differently.
But you know what i can't control these peoples life's. i can't determine what kind of life they have or what they are interested in. Why do i feel like i have all the answers and everyone else i just blind? How do i fix this feeling so i don't push anyone else away? i worry that i could have had a better relationship with my extended family if i didn't come off so rude. Maybe my mom would have gotten help sooner if i had just listened and helped rather then bringing her down further. And i truly hope that one day i don't say something that pushes away this friend i have.

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