Well yesterday just wasn't one i would like to remember! nothing really major happened or anything and even some good things happened but geeze there was no way to get myself out of the funk i was in... I woke up to check how much i got paid and found that i had over drafted my account twice last week and so as a result i had $40 for the week after paying rent! then my mom called and tells me Jeff has been really sick for 2 weeks and has lost a lot of weight and if he was ever going to die she doesn't know what she would do with herself and that got me thinking.. what if he did die before she did. what would she do? what would i do? she just wouldn't be able to live alone but i don't know if i could have her live with me. I love her to death and i want the best for her and if i had to have her live with me i would but god the thought frightens me to death! she is too much for me to handle! Then i kept thinking about this party we are going to and how going there is making me nervous so i talked to the party thrower in hopes to make myself feel better but then i got all worried that i upset her for telling her because i know how hard to is to throw a party then to have this added stupid stress i would have been upset! i finally was able to talk to her again and make sure everything was fine and she wasn't upset but seriously thinking that i had upset her really made me wanna cry... i keep thinking of all the times i just shouldn't have opened my mouth. This is a major thing i am trying to work on... i just HATE not saying things... but i have to realize it is for the best! Also Mat's x box occasionally has a cord running from the computer room to the TV in the living room so he can play his games online. yesterday her had it out and i tripped over the cord... knocking down the x box from the TV stand, it landing on the corner of the fireplace leaving a huge gash and ripping and destroying the cord! he first assumed it was totally broken and i was devastated! i cried for a good half hr trying to think of a way to be able to replace it for him asap... all while knowing i only had $40 for the week. i was prepared to ask each of my friends to borrow money and pay them back when i could. i was so upset because i know how much he loves his video games systems and he takes such pride in them. He said he has it working now and that everything is fine but i still felt bad! All these things gave me just a horrible cloud over my head yesterday. I couldn't wait to come home and go to sleep!
Today i woke up and i feel 100% better! i just wish i could be one of those people that say, "hey everyday is a good day." "I never have a bad day!" "It is a good day if you say it is a good day!" I don't know how people do it. my emotions and my hormones are too strong for me to fight! of course now that i think of it the only people who say that are MEN! they just don't understand!