My weight struggle

i have always as long as i can remember.. felt fat. Now allot of it has to do with i grew up allot faster then people my age. I had boobs and was the second tallest person in my school in 5Th grade and boy did that make me feel odd.. plus it made me feel like i was fat.. even though i was just bigger than everyone. i remember in 4Th grade i was in a talent show with a girlfriend of mine and we were getting matching cheer leading type out fits. I remember thinking how much bigger... fatter i was then her. it made me so upset, but of course i never talked about it then. Also during this age because i looked so old for my age i would get attention from grown men. Cat calls out the windows as i walked down the street or through the mall always made me feel uncomfortable. I think these feelings make me not want to explore being pretty. I remember when i was 10 i think i went a whole week or two without showering. I think i subconsciously made myself ugly and awkward to rid myself of this kind of attention. Looking back at pictures of myself ago about 11-16 i can't believe i let myself look so awkward and crazy. i feel sad of myself at that age. i remember just spending all my time in my room thinking about all the things i wanted to do. I always wanted a boyfriend but growing up if a guy ever showed any kind of interest in me i shied away. If a guy was ever to ask me out i would think it was a joke. that once i said yes that he would go running to his buddy's laughing at me saying she actually though I would be interested in HER! So i think that becoming comfortable in this big body of mine has been something i have grown to and i can't even imagine what it would be like to be one of the skinny girls. what it would be like to be able to sit down and not worry about the huge roll or fat that is hanging over my jeans. to be able to get dressed in the morning just hoping that i will be able to squeeze myself into my clothes long enough to wear them all day at work without being completely uncomfortable. Well i am sick of these problems. Sick of these stupid subconscious things that hold me back in life. I wasn't to become a happier and healthier me. i want to be able to go for a hike with mat and not be legging behind him completely out of breath with a bright red face. i want to be able to go shopping for a kick ass out fit and not be afraid on if the biggest size is going to fit me today or not. Now i have done' weight watchers in the past and have lost up to fifty pounds. but i stopped because i just didn't want to worry about it anymore and i gained 30 lbs right back. i know i have to figure out how to do this and keep it up for the rest of my life. Food is not something that should bring me happiness. it shouldn't be a mine part of a gathering with my girlfriends. I shouldn't eat eat eat till i am bursting after i get off work at midnight just to go to sleep. i am starting today with counting my points and hoping that i stay on track! man i hope i can do this!

*i think this picture is from 3rd or 4th grade... right before i became awkward