Mixed up emotions

Well yesterday was a pretty good day. i managed to be in a pretty good mood all yesterday... it helped alot that i didn't have to check in check stand three at all!! If one more person told me that there were lines through the debit machine screen i was going to slap them! I was very bored working because no one fun was working with me at all. i actually kinda wondered around and got my work done for the most part. Shoot i just realized i didn't get a couple of my baskets filled! darn it i have got to remember to do that tonight! ;-P

Anyways the meaning to my title of this blog is that i feel like a care care care about everything so much and i am always trying to make sure everyone is happy and involved and feel like they are cared for because all of my friends are extremely important to me. but then there comes a point when all my caring doesn't seem to make a difference and it feels like no one seems to care or appreciate things i do. When i plan things i put so much though into it. I plan things i know that everyone would enjoy. i try my best not to choose things that someone wouldn't be able to afford or wouldn't enjoy. i am always the one to step up to the plate and begin the planning. I wonder sometimes what we would do and when we would hang out if i wasn't thing one who made the plans and came up with the activity. I try to plan so that everyone can hang out with us. But it always seems that something comes up and no one seem to want to work with me on the plan..... there have been times when every single person has a conflicting scheduling thing but we all still wanna hang out and yet no one is offering any idea on how we can make it work .people never even seem interested in helping plan things... it is ALOT of work and really I have gotten to the point where i don't even want to try anymore.

OK so really my problem is that i should be hurt or upset over not feeling appreciated but i end up just being angry and frustrated which in turn makes me look like a bitch. I wish that i could just tell people how i feel and that it hurt me when they showed no interest in the plans i was trying to work out. That i was upset that everyone couldn't try to make it to the activity i set up. but instead i get mad a defencive and rude and everyone ends up hating me. I get mad but give me a day or even a few hours and i could be over it. I just need to figure out how to have the correct reaction to things so that the situation doesn't become more of a drama than it needs to be or one day i will just have no friends and it will be because i was hurt but was rude rather than sharing my feelings!

sometimes i say "Friends are too much work"

and people wonder why i don't talk to people i don't know.. i have no interest in meeting new people and making new friends b/c i have too much trouble trying to see and hang out with the handful of important people i have in my life now.

Ok well i hate to write this and have people hate me but i had to get this off my chest becasue it ends up bugging me and maybe now everyone will know how i feel. i know i can't stop caring even though there are times that i wish i could, so i need to learn to control my reactions.